Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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