Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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