I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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