Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
