I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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