i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I can't turn off my feet"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
