woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
as a side note pls kill me
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