There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
