I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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