The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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