Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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