Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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