How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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