you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Randomize
