It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
