I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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