So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
