i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
