What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Randomize
