please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
