I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
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We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
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I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I am one with the molecules
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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