i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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