You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
