did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
