Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
