The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Can you bring me the toilet please
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
