good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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