I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
