So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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