i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Randomize
