she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
