how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
