We're like a lot better than the average bears
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
