Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
