Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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