I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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