While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
