Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
