My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
