this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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