Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
My vagina is very pro this idea
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
