Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
