She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
