Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
