I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
