I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
