there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
