You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
