My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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