this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
