WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
