He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
