My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
