I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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