i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i wish my penis had a tongue
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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