I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
