I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Boobs are out for the taking
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
