I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
