Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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