guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
