so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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