he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You're like the curious george of whores
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
